Christmas got pretty busy, as it does, so I didn't really post on either blog over that period. Then when it all settled down I found myself pretty busy still for the next couple of weeks. I made the time to post a few times on the White Shadow Diary cause I was doing stuff with the bike and wanted to record it. But as far as normal stuff goes ... well I just wasn't feeling like sharing. The reason .. I felt like I was in a huge pit of despair that I just couldn't drag myself out of. But I did get out of it, there didn't seem to be any reason for it, but I honestly couldn't laugh, I would go off crying for no reasons or even find myself in fits of anger that scared me. After feeling all of this I really empathise with anyone who has depression, I don't think that anyone can truly know what you are going through, even if they have been there themselves, it's a totally personal way to be and honestly there's nothing that anyone can say to make it better. What can you do about it, well seek professional help.
I didn't. I thought about when it all started and I came up with the same answer every time. I started sinking into that pit at the same time that the medication that I was on to help me quit smoking stopped. It's a course that you take to stop exactly the feelings that I was suffering from. I've given up smoking a few times before this attempt, once for about 8 months, I have never had these side effects before. So the medication made feel great for the 3 months that the course lasted then ... I fell towards the gaping maw of depression. I honestly believe that the reason I fell and fell so hard was a side effect of stopping that medication suddenly. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the doctor who would put me on anti-depressants, side effect of those is depression believe it or not. Nope not doing it, so the first thing I thought of to try to put a stop to the downwards spiral I was experiencing was to take up smoking again. I did that about three weeks ago and immediately felt better.
Almost instantly I found things funny again, my moods calmed down and I didn't feel like crying or shouting for no reason anymore. Go figure, nicotine is an anti-depressant. I'll take it! I may die young but at least I'll have had a good life. I could think of nothing worse then dying miserable. God it feels good to laugh again!!
I started reading other blogs and checking out the forums again, I also started joining in conversations at work again and talking to my husband. I started having ideas for things to write about here again, and even though it's taken me longer to actually do it, I've written a few things in my head and actually felt the impulse to do it. It's kinda been slow, I've sort of eased myself back into the world by commenting on other blogs and started posting stuff on the forums again. I also got my enthusiasm for the bike back and did some things with her that had been languishing during my brown period. I was getting excited about life again ... oh it feels good!!
I've had a few ideas about some things that I'd like to try to do this year. Well one of them was something that had been planned for a long time, the Annual Meet of the Shadow Riders who are all meeting in my home town. I'd already committed to helping out, it only made sense that Terry and I helped out cause we lived here. When I first started doing some serious planning for it though it was Terry who pushed me to start, and I got aggressive with him at almost every turn. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Once I got over my hump I started getting excited about it again, planning and meeting people, and even putting in a couple of extra events and surprises. So that one was forced on me while I was moody, but now I'm just so excited about it that I've taken the lead and run with it!
I want more, I spotted a post by Moto Blogger Trobairitz about a bunch of 'Do it up yourself' bikes for sale on their local bike sales web site. It got me thinking of something I've thought about for a long time, doing a motorcycle mechanic course. I have even gone so far as to look at the local Technical College for courses to do. I don't think they run one but I still have a few avenues to check out before I give up on this, I might even just buy a clunker bike that I can do up for myself and use an online course. It's something I'll have to put a bit more thought into, but it's something I'm excited about again and that's awesome!!
I just noticed the pattern of exclamation marks happening at the end of each thought ... told you I was excited :-)
Now that things are feeling better in my mind and my heart I am even starting to do some things that I've never done before, I am opening myself up to other people. Normally I'm a very private person who doesn't say much (in the fear that others will judge me) or give much of myself away, I've always liked my privacy and made friends slowly. I value friendship highly but I don't have a lot of people in my life who I would call a friend. I want to fix that so I've started giving out my phone number where normally I'd stand back and not volunteer that information, I'm trying to give people the chance to get to know me before I decide that they really don't want to be around me (this has been the way I've thought for most of my lifetime). Who knows I may even make some precious friends, and even if I don't I'm determined to have some fun being with other people!
By now I can feel you asking 'so what did you win woman!?' and if you've got this far into my epic ramblings then I guess you deserve to know. But first let me just give you a bit of background .... I can hear that groan ya know .. bear with me.
When I was a toddler, still stumbling around holding up a sagging nappy with one hand and passing my dummy to the little boy next door through the chain link fence to share ... oh really I'll skip the intervening years I promise, you aren't going to get my life story. I remember getting hold of my mothers brand new Polaroid camera .. remember those, you took the picture and pulled out the photo and stuck it under your arm while you counted til it was processed, then peeled the backing off to reveal magically the picture you'd just taken slowly appearing. It was instant and I was fascinated by it! Mum held it under her arm for me and counted, but I got the end result and I loved it. It wasn't until I was about 7 years old that I got my very own Brownie camera, I took photos of everything even going so far as to set up little scenes with my Barbie dolls. I still have those photos somewhere. Since then I've never been without a camera, it's always an instant point and click one. I took photography in high school for a while but I never went anywhere with it. To this day I just snap whatever catches my eye and hope for the best. I've wanted an SLR camera for years but never been able to justify the cost of them. Today that has changed.
Four days ago I decided to sell my desk on Ebay, this is the first time I've ever sold anything on Ebay and I was nervous. I kept going back and logging in to see if anyone was bidding on it ... I would hang around for a bit and look at random stuff ... you know shiny stuff for the bike, clothes, jewellery .. just random stuff that I'm not really going to buy, I was just trying to stay online so I could watch what was happening with my auction. I decided to look at camera, my old point and click has been playing up for a while, it still works but it does annoying things. I'd been thinking that maybe it was time for me to save up my pennies and fork out for that DSLR, just keep the old one for when I was playing around, so I looked at cameras on Ebay. I soon homed in on the Cannons, I've used Cannon for a few years and like them. I read some reviews about Cannon DSLR's, they seem to be good a starters/amateur camera. Hmm .... I found a few on Ebay for auction that weren't very expensive, actually they were downright cheap. I put them in a little watch folder and kept an eye on them. I decided on one that seemed to be a great deal and two days ago I found the courage to bid on it!
That bid stayed as the top bid for ages .. hours!! Then I saw the little email that said .. 'you have been outbid' ... oh :(
I went back to Ebay and looked at it, oh well there would be other cameras, I had others in my little list, I didn't have to buy this one. It was a good deal, there were lots of extras with it even the original manual, the others in my list didn't have half as much stuff and they were going up in price too.
Hmmm I put in another bid .... it didn't take long for that one to get overbid too. Oh well I'll just watch it a bit longer, see what it goes for so I can have an idea how much I should pay for something like this.
I got up this morning and there were no further bids on it, it seemed to be just me and one other person bidding on it now. Hmmm, I thought about it, Terry mentioned that if I went and bought another point and click the same as the one I now have would probably cost at least twice as much as the DSLR was going for now, maybe even three times as much. Right I put an amount in my head that was the top I would pay for it and made another bid, almost immediately I was outbid .. sheesh.
I watched it for a while then couldn't stop myself, I tried again .. 'you have the winning bid!' Yay!! 'You have been outbid' oh :(
.. Now I just want to win .. it's not even that it's a good deal, it's the thought that I can win this thing!! I waited a bit longer and just to get the feel for it with an hour to go I bid again ... hmm he was still winning but the amount of his bid gave me an idea that this was his top bid so far.
I waited until there was only about 15 minutes left on it then put in another bid ... and waited .. and waited ... one minute to go .. oh my god I've won this thing!! 'You have been outbid' .. what?!?!?
No way this thing is mine!!! So I opened the new bid box ... 50 seconds to go .. I quick as a flash put in a bid .. not a winning bid .... I open the bidding box again ... 'Firefox cannot open the page you are looking for ..' .. are you kidding me!?!?!? Refresh ... 30 seconds to go .. Terry talking to me from the kitchen .. fumbling fingers put in a bid that's not high enough, the next fumbling attempt I noticed that I'd forgotten the decimal point and was bidding thousands .. one more attempt ... hit the place bid button .... 8 seconds left ... 'you have won!!'
Wheeeee!!!!! Wow what an adrenaline rush ... I won!!! Hey Terry I won!!!! 'What?' (he was still talking to me about his brother) 'Oh sorry babe, what's happening with your brother again?'
Wait ... I won!!! Well I am now the proud owner of a second hand DSLR, it may end up being a lemon or it may be the start a brand new exciting endeavour for me. Whatever it ends up I had so much fun buying it that I may just have to see what else I can buy on Ebay. Be prepared to see a bunch of new posts here about the exciting stuff I get up to this year. Whether it's learning to use my new camera (pics galore!) or learning to fix up a bike or making new friends, I just know it's going to be wonderful fun, and I cant wait to start the rest of my life.
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